February 28, 2011

How I'm Really Doing

Alternately titled, "I'm ok.  I'm not ok."

I swear I've written this before.  And yet, no matter how I've tried, I don't seem to be able to get it quite right.

The other day a good friend asked me how I was really doing and I admitted to her that I haven't felt like I can really write how I'm actually doing.  Partly that's because if I get too gloomy, my friends and family freak out.  (That's probably good, it keeps me positive.)  And partly that's because it's just plain hard to articulate.  And also, because I know there are women out there who read this blog (some who I know and others I don't) who can't actually look forward to their husbands coming home anytime soon.

A million times a day, every day, I'm thriving.  And also a million times a day, every day I'm completely and totally at the end of myself.  And sometimes those two things happen in the same minute, one right after the other.

On Friday when I caught myself cutting small chunks of butter, rolling them in sugar and popping them into my mouth, I thought, "I think this may mean I've hit a wall."

Today I called Alejandro and (through tears) said, "I just need to talk to someone over the age of two for a few minutes."  He said, "Um... ok."  And then didn't know what else to say.  I was completely unable to articulate the fact that I needed him to carry the conversation for me, so I just let him go.  Then I called my mom and said the same thing.  She laughed hysterically, which got me crying and laughing at the same time.  It was good.  ;-)

I've been hesitant to say it, but we think Alejandro will be coming home next weekend.  I haven't wanted to say, because every time we have thought we had a date since he left the first week of January, he'd get another job, which we were both simultaneously glad and sad about at the same time.  The next-weekend date could still change.  But for now we're both really excited about it, to say the least.

Danny is done being sick, except for some left-over sinus congestions.  (Read endlessly flowing snot.) He's been teething for longer than I can remember and eight teeth (read an unholy amount of teeth to come in at once) are making their way into his mouth.  I think the worst is behind us, but it's hard to say.  Three eye teeth have yet to cut through and I think there's still a molar under gums as well.

Part of what has not been fun is that Danny's stools have been excessively loose for longer than I can remember as well.  I always thought it was part of teething (and who knows, maybe it is) but it went on so long that I began to suspect an allergy.  I took all lactose out of his diet a week ago.  The bad news is his stools didn't improve.  The good news is he's not lactose intolerant.  I have a love affair with cheese and all things dairy, so that's good.  I even took a hiatus from cloth diapers swishing my hands in the toilet after every loose stool for a week.  And I love my cloth diapers, so that says a lot.  Next step?  Adding lactose back in and observing changes, keeping up the food and diaper log I started a week ago, and then deciding.  Eliminating wheat or gluten from his diet seems the next obvious step.  That or waiting until all the teeth are in and then seeing what happens.

So how am I really doing?  Thriving.  And drowning.  At the same time.  I'm worn down, but we're gonna make it through this.  Not only are we gonna make it through this, we're gonna be stronger for it.  (I am so very thankful for how God has blessed and improved our communication through this.)

Thank you all for praying and calling and inviting and encouraging and letting me vent even when there are others in such a situation which leaves me no room to complain.  It means more to me than I can explain.

How am I really doing?  I'm doing just fine.  Thanks.

Love,

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