Five a.m. on a Saturday morning and I can't sleep, so tippy-toe I go, down the stairs, in stealth-mode so as not to disturb the two men in my life. I feel like I'm coming out of a fog, or coming up for air after a long time under water. December has been a rough month for us, and I've not had words to write. I've battled to find joy and while I truly have loved (I always do) this season of lights and Christmas music and gifts and friends and fun, it's been a tougher December than most.
We have all been sick (two of us twice). And not just runny-nose sick. Whole-body-achy-needing-antibiotics-really-should've-just-stayed-in-bed-can't-function-sick. This doesn't bode well for a household of the self-employed.. We don't have sick days or paid vacation. If ya' don't work, ya' don't get paid. It's even less fun when you can't call Grandma to come over and hang out with Danny because I can hardly drag myself downstairs to fix breakfast. And work has been slow on top of that.
I don't know why this is all hard to admit. As though we've somehow done something wrong. But it is.
And the other half of my struggle to find joy is our collective home-sickness. I told my family on several accounts that I have desperately wanted to be in three places simultaneously this Christmas. Here we are home. Colorado and cold and not nearly enough snow and our church are where our hearts live. Yet in San Diego my sister is preparing to get married and there are dresses to buy and parties to plan and moments that sisters are meant to share and I wish I were closer to share them. Families are gathering and a baby niece was born and another is on the way, and I've missed the gatherings and eating together. In Costa Rica, another niece is walking and talking and zillions of cousins have married and are having children and my heart longs to laugh and love fully in another language. Three places I long to be. All at once.
So I've been in a fog. Wanting to enjoy the season. Wanting to give of my time and my resources and wanting to stretch out to others and write and share memories and pictures and create good traditions for our son who is two and a half and talking like there's no tomorrow. Surely I've done some of that. But certainly I've spent much more time than I wanted trying to get well - as though I could do that and God were not already working on it - and trying to catch up on work time lost and wishing I were spending my time differently than I am.
But today is a new day. As the Lord spoke to me as I crept down the stairs - this is entering into a new season. There is indeed more to do than ever, and with the close of Christmas and the beginning of a new year, God has miraculously provided, our work schedules are once again full and we are healthy and well. (It occurs to me that this is only the second time in a year and a half that Alejandro has experienced a lull in work and I am extremely thankful for that.) We have never lacked for anything we need and God grows faith in our hearts as He teaches us to trust in His provision.
There have been many good memories, and loads of great pictures to share. I am looking forward to the creative process of sharing those with you. I love new beginnings. I love breaks and vacations and a rest from work, but I love just as much the getting-back-to-routine and schedule and the daily Kingdom work set before me. Alejandro has joined me on the couch and I hear my other little man stirring upstairs. So I think it's time to enjoy early morning breakfast and snuggles and playing Angry Birds and Blast Monkey on our phones together. This is, after all, the important stuff.
Happy New Year everybody. Here's to fresh starts.